Understanding Infantilism (.org)

Survey - AB/DL Practices - 5 - Significant Others Essays

50) What advice would you give to another AB/DL who was looking for someone special or just starting a relationship, or to a non-AB/DL who is in a new relationship with an AB/DL? (Optional)

Alongside the statistical data gathered in the survey's multiple choice questions, a few essay questions were included. Some of the responses for question #50 are presented below. They were manually sorted, not per a scientific procedure. Emphasis was given to answers based on experience or that touched on aspects not covered by the multiple-choice questions. Some have been edited for length. Also, some responses were split and placed in multiple categories if the division didn't substantially affect the response.

The following thoughts and advice, provided the surveyees, might or might not be applicable to your situation. Some items might be contradictory. As with all advice, your mileage may vary.

• Someone for Everyone
• Look Within the AB/DL/Kink Community
• Look Outside the AB/DL Community
• Be Open to Alternatives
• Be Open About Being an AB/DL
• Balance
• Two-Way Streets
• Communication
• Experiences
• Acceptance
• Don't Bother
• To Partners

Someone for Everyone

• "There IS someone out there for EVERYONE, and the only things holding anybody back are unrealistic expectations regarding acceptance and a partner, and fear - primarily of the truth in the reality of one's life - itself."

Look Within the AB/DL/Kink Community

• "If you're looking for someone who will accept your interests, I'd suggest networking with and around groups of people who are more likely to be open-minded about such things. If you're looking for someone who'll accept your interests, and maybe even participate, try going to a munch or AB party."
• "Get involved in your local BDSM community. Go to munches etc."
• "Take it slow. Don't rush in just because they're a AB/DL too. They're style might not be what you['re] looking for. Never hurts to ask."
• "If you have one in your area attend an AB/DL age players munch - you may or may not find a play partner. This is a pretty common thing so its really not that hard. All of my relationships have had a AB component whether I was caregiving or being cared for."
• "Go look on Fetlife.com."
• "Go to experienceproject.com and try to meet someone there. I have no other suggestions, and in fact, could use a few myself."
• "AB/DLs can have very good relationships with people who are not AB/DL but who are kinky in other ways. It's very easy to talk about your own kinks with someone else who has his or her own kinks he or she wants to share."

Look Outside the AB/DL Community

• "Wearing diapers is just one part of who you are. I tried looking for partners who were into diapers and had no luck. When I found my current wife I found someone who loves and accepts me and someone who I look forward to sharing the rest of life with."
• "My advice only pertains to [a] straight male seeking [an] accepting/participating female. Do not exclusively seek known ABDL friendly partners."
• "Try to meet nurses or health care providers who have big hearts and are aware of diapers. If seeking mommy type, look for [women who are] a little older and women who have raised children. In younger women, volunteer to be their baby before making one, etc."
• "Don't let your fetish determine who you're seeking a relationship with. Fetishes should be icing. Relationships need to be deeper than that."
• "Seek someone who is looking for a adult breastfeeding relationship (ABR/ANR/ABF). Some seem to be more open minded to the subject of AB and role playing."
• "Look for someone that shares your other interests other than diapers. Then slowly introduce this side of you to them. If they truly love you, they will be accepting because it is part of you."
• "The way my wife and I met was I feel and know Divinely organized. We met during a presentation that I was doing. I do Bible analysis lessons with secular cartoon TV works. We met a year later because she wanted more lessons. What I can say is that we prayed for a solid year before we even saw each other again after that presentation. I suggest praying a lot in earnest for that perfect someone who God has for us. God is faithful."
• "[My] partner is the one who showed me and taught me to be an AB, I always wanted to but didn't think I could do it."

Be Open to Alternatives

• "Be willing to wait, have patience, and be open minded about age, sexuality, and gender."
• "There will probably be more chance to find a diaper pal in the gay male world. I am happily married to a woman but she won't play ... I have a male friend who will play with me."
• "Find the right person first and either explore ABDL or keep it separate based on your partner's willingness. It is difficult to have ABDL [interests or practices] in a relationship without changing it in some way."

Be Open About Being an AB/DL

• "If you are just starting a relationship, I would recommend coming out and admitting your ABDL side right away. In may case, I was married for many years before I decided to let wife know and I did it over a period of time by building up the need for diapers (e.g. wetting the bed). Now after about 8 years, she even buys me diapers."
• "Let your partner know at the beginning. If she/he does not want anything to do with it it's easiest to go separate ways right then and there. If it works out you save yourself years of fear and heartache."
• "Don't for a minute believe that you can hide this fetish from anyone you are in a relationship with. It may be painful or hard to explain at first but you will be much better off opening up from the get-go that you are an AB/DL. So many try to live a double life or spring this lifestyle on their spouse or lover well into the relationship and sadly they break up. It is better to be open and honest as to who you are before getting too serious."
• "Come out early because coming out later on in the relationship can throw it all away if he/she isn't accepting."
• "Anyone who is AB/DL must tell any significant other that they become involved with. Hiding does not work."
• "Establish yourself first as a 'normal' male. Bring it up as soon as you feel comfortable that you have established yourself and are accepted as a 'normal' male. Definitely bring it up before you are married or have any children. If your partner cannot handle it, and will not accept you, you can both move on before investing years in each other. Of course you are risking the fact getting out more generally and you have to be prepared to live with that. You also have to weigh just how important it is to have it in the open versus living with it just as a mental fantasy. In my own situation, I brought it up after I was married and had a child. That lead to a divorce."
• "Be honest. Communicate. Don't talk about AB/DL stuff on the first date... but once things start getting serious, steer the conversations toward the topic of unusual interests, things that could potentially entice or repulse. Your partner may surprise you with what he/she is into."
• "Make sure they accept you because once you love someone deeply who isn't accepting, life only gets harder."
• "Be very up-front with how you feel about it and how you want it to be part of the relationship. Hiding it will only hurt you later."
• "Fall in love first before telling them."
• "When dating mundanes, do not get serious without telling them. This is something they need to know and it is unethical not to tell them if they commit so much time to the relationship. This is an arbitrary number but if you do not feel comfortable (trust) telling them by the 3rd date, maybe it is time to move on."
• "Sexual compatibility is a big factor in a relationship... If you think you can hide it from your partner... well, that will only stress you more, and stress the partner more when they finally find out."
• "Do not hide your ABDL part of you. Do not lie. It would most likely ruin your life and harm both [of you] as it is the case for me."

Balance

• "What you do in the bedroom is just a small, but important, part of the overall relationship. It is a mistake to select a partner solely based off of AB/DL interests. It is also a mistake to hide these interests from one."
• "I do not suggest trying to find someone based on AB/DL interests ALONE. I suggest trying to find a boyfriend/ girlfriend who you have interests in, and after maybe a few months, tell them your interest, and if they would be interested in being involved. If they say no, absolutely not, then you must decide if you want to continue to date them. But if you start dating them based solely on the fact they are willing to be your caretaker, but you have nothing else in common, the relationship just won't work."

Two-Way Streets

• "Remember it cannot all be one way traffic... you need to attend to your partner's needs."
• "Be open and honest upfront and don't force your AB side on your partner. Balance their needs and wants with your own."
• "Don't make it the center of the relationship, a healthy sex life is important but don't forgot your partner's wants as well."
• "Be pragmatic. Do not attempt to change another person for your fetish or force them to comply with you."
• "You have to know yourself before you start a relationship with someone else. What are your required minimums? Do you need to be in diapers, either physically or psychologically? If so, then make sure that's OK with the person you're dating. Don't deny yourself for the sake of a relationship. At the same time, you must be willing to accept and give for your partner, too. It's a two-way street."
• "Make it worth it for the partner... don't make them feel like the diapers are sexier than they are. They want to be your lover not a "prop" in your kink."
• "Take time to find the right person and remember to respect their needs."
• "My wife does enjoy participating, but it's primarily because she enjoys my excitement rather than because being a mommy is itself a turn-on for her."

Communication

• "Communication is the key to AB/DL relationships; they [are] harder than people think!"
• "Be True to yourself - Educate yourself, educate your significant other early in the relationship, Active Social networking such as littles events & munches are a great way to learn and can assuredly be key to your ultimate happiness - Take advantage of it."
• "Listen and try to understand what your partner wants and needs. Not just about AB/DL needs but generally. Listening and caring about each other is what helps make a good relationship."
• "Find out what they enjoy then let them know what you enjoy so you both can get your needs met."
• "Talk, listen and grow, together. Effective communication can make or break all relationships."

Experiences

• "My first marriage of 16 years ended in divorce. My wife played with me diapered but hated it, and my crossdressing also. My second marriage to an F2M of 15 years ended up with me a widow. My husband knew I had incontinence issues and took me to a large city hospital for tests which resulted in and a diagnosis as urge incontinence and overactive bladder. They prescribed Detrol but I didn't refill the prescription as I didn't want the side effects and the long term toll on my body. He knew I wore diapers when we flew places and to go to the movies and often around the house and he was fine with it. I never told him I enjoyed them as much as I did."
• "I have lost my fear of telling friends about AB/DL sides, but telling a partner still scares the monkeys out of me."
• "My husband's late wife lost urinary control at menopause. She used AB to cope, asking him to participate as her "Daddy." I had decided to try AB to cope with my urinary incontinence when I learned that experienced "Daddy" was a widower."
• "My X-wife knew about my regression into wet and poopy diapers. Changed me once but otherwise left me alone. If an AB/DL life or activities are important to you be open and out front about them. I have been so with a number of friends of all ages, no one has rejected me for that."
• "If you're genetically male, you still have a good chance of finding a partner, since women are "accepting" of anyone who can solve their money, home improvement, and computer issues. But if you were unlucky enough to be born with a vagina, you're literally S.O.L. on the dating deal because men expect perfection and can do so, since there are FAR more heterosexual women in search of a husband than men who desire a wife." (Female-to-Male Transsexual participant)

Acceptance

• "My first wife could not accept who I was - and this split us up in the end after years of trying to compromise."
• "Be yourself in regards to your personality. As to what you normally do in diapers, discuss what the other enjoys or doesn't enjoy. Some aspects can be enjoyed separately when away from the other. In time, your partner may be inclined to indulge in areas they normally would not."

Don't Bother

• "Don't bother. It is NOT worth the inevitable pain. After 1003 days as of July 20, it still feels the same. Save yourself the trouble and isolate yourself from the cold world, see Simon and Garfunkel's "I am a Rock" for an idea of what I mean."
• "Don't bother, at least if you are like me. I have never experienced any good from relationships, romance or sex, and have since decided to become a secular monk."

To Partners

• "For a non-AB/DL, try and remember that despite this, admittedly unusual, fetish/lifestyle the person you are in a relationship with is still the same person you got into a relationship with. I recommend trying it with your partner and if you can't accept it then you should explain everything to your partner and leave peacefully. MOST IMPORTANTLY do not change your mind if your partner says that they will stop being an AB/DL as they will likely be unable to leave those feelings behind and it will cause them undue mental distress and may lead to them doing so behind your back, which is just asking for even more problems."
• New AB/DL partners (especially in the care-giving role): Do Not tell/lead your AB/DL partner to believe that you will/are going to indulge them in any age-play related scenario that you are not interested in fulfilling, comfortable with, or actually not going to follow through with. It can be quite confusing/difficult to your little one.
• "There are much worse things out there for your partner to be involved with than wearing diapers, and acting like a baby/toddler/small child."
• "Accept it even if you don't understand it. They can't change what's inside them. Alienating them, or forbidding the practice is only going to hurt them in the long-term."
• "So he or she wears diapers, it's not the end of the world! If it absolutely, positively turns you off, try not to end the relationship based solely on your disapproval, disgust or distaste. If you love, or even like your partner enough, then you'd be willing to at least talk it over openly with them. But don't break it off just because one little part of them freaks you out. You could be losing out on an amazing connection."

Email BitterGrey Last Update: 31 Dec 2016| First 4 Aug 2011

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